Why is your child a victim?

By Derek Randel

How come Ron gets bullied because he is too tall while Billy is picked on because he is too short? Sandy is harassed because she is too thin while Mary is harassed because she is overweight? Mark is bullied because he has red hair and Tommy is bullied because he went through Chemotherapy and has no hair? What makes someone a victim?

This is an easy question to answer it is perceived differences. Whatever makes you different from my group and me is reason enough to harass and bully you over.

When it comes to elementary students there are five actions that a student worries about. These five may not seem like much to us as adults but in child’s world they’re very important.

1. Being called names
2. Getting along with others you don’t like
3. Handling rumors
4. Wearing the right clothes
5. Feeling accepted by the group Did you notice that all five of these are external means of control, which are normal for this age? There are many options if you’re children is a victim of bullies. It starts with building self-esteem and empowering him or her on handling these five worries.

Why someone is a victim can be placed into one of two categories: what we can control and what we cannot control.

Here are many items that can turn a child into a victim:
What we (the victim) can control:

1. The child may be intelligent.
2. The child may be cautious, quiet, withdrawn, oversensitive, and cares what others think.
3. The child has responded in an inappropriate way in the past. This makes one a good target. For example, crying when called a name.
4. He/she might be choosing to do something that goes against society’s norm. This will attract negative attention. For example: dying your hair, wearing different clothes, or different body piercing, carrying their favorite toy with them.
5. They may avoid standing up for themselves.
6. The child may have a tendency to be quiet. This results in a passive personality with few friends, which means less peer protection.
7. The child may have a lack of confidence in their physical abilities and strength. He may be physically weak.
8. Typically victims are unhappy children who suffer from fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
9. He/she may lack a sense of humor.
10. Something about him/her makes the putdown artist (a fancy name for a bully) feel inadequate or rejected.

What we (the victim) cannot control:

12. He/she might be in the middle of someone’s bad day. It can be random.
13. The putdown artist needs power, control, or attention.
14. It’s possible that the putdown just slipped out wrong.
15. He/she is different.

It may be:
• The color of their skin
• The way they talk
• Their size or name
• Remarks can pertain to ones weight
• Looks, color of your hair
• Family
• Schoolwork
• Popularity, shy
• If he/she works hard
• If they have a disability
• Their religion
• Culture
• Wearing glasses
• Dyslexia
• Being anxious, sensitive
• Wearing braces
• Musical or theatrical

Many times I have been told that you cannot blame the victim and while I agree with that I still believe that if a child chooses to dress different then they’re bringing negative comments to themselves. If Billy decides to dye his hair purple then he should expect some comments where if someone has a disability then they shouldn’t expect to be picked on, but it does happen.

Derek is a parent coach and has customized programs for corporations, schools, and parent groups for putting the fun back into parenting and protecting your child/student from bullying. He can be reached at Parent Smart from the Heart, 1-866-89-SMART or 847-853-4308, or info@randelconsulting.com