Dating Violence – it won’t happen to me
Jody is a single mother of three children. Her oldest daughter, Amy, was sixteen-years-old and had just begun dating. When she read that 80% of female juveniles in abusive relationships stay in those relationships and that one in four high school boy’s commits dating violence, she became worried. Jody had recently gone through a divorce because her husband had been violent numerous times.
“Oh don’t worry mom, it won’t happen to me,” said Amy after her mom discussed her concerns. Jody was satisfied with her daughter’s response and released her concerns. Amy has been dating Josh for six months when mom overheard Amy talking with her friends. “Josh is so jealous when I spend time you guys and he always wants to know where I am. He loves me so much,” said Amy. Tory, one of her friends answered, “I don’t know Amy he seems like he wants to keep you way from us. It is kind of creepy how he needs to know where you always are. I also can’t believe he tells you what to wear.” Amy responded, “Whatever, I think it is cute.”
What we observe in this conversation is Josh attempts to isolate, spy, and control Amy. These are just three signs that can lead to dating violence. Here are a few signs to look for:
Isolation- he wants to keep you from family and friends. He tries to control who you’re with.
Threats- this can be to you, towards your friends, to destroy your belongings, to hurt pets, or to commit suicide. Guilt trips are about manipulation.
Humiliation- puts you down consistently, and says you can’t do anything right. Blames you for his anger.
Gets physical- hits, shakes, slaps, pushes, restrains you, or forces you to have sex with him.
Spying- very jealous or possessive, blames you for cheating on him; checks up on you or you’re required to check in with him.
Controlling- tells you what to wear and what not to wear, and tries to control your actions.
Threatens to commit suicide because of you.
Has big mood swings from angry to apologetic, and makes you feel as if you’re walking on eggshells around him.
Jody starts noticing a few changes in her daughter that are typical with victims of dating violence. She sees some physical signs of injuries, bruises or cuts. Amy also is isolating herself from others and her moods are changing. At school her grades are dropping and Jody received a call saying her daughter has been skipping school.
What can a parent do?
For parents it all starts with educating and communicating with your child. Listen carefully to what is being said. Ask open-ended questions and teach healthy ways to interact in relationships, emphasizing the need for equality and respect. When one has a healthy self-esteem they know they’re fine in or out of a relationship. Discuss how domestic violence usually starts with verbal abuse. Jody cannot forbid her daughter from seeing Josh because that might push them closer together.
Here are a few ideas:
Place your daughters in sports or a competitive skill based activity. This will help boost how she feels about herself. Limit how much television is watched particularly violent shows and music videos that treat women as sex objects. Avoid violence in your home by not hitting or yelling, this may mean learning new parenting skills. Jody may want to invite Josh over more for dinner so she can get to know better. Do not avoid the subject if you suspect anything, ask the child about the relationship. And always never hesitate to contact the police if needed.
Discuss the following with your child whenever they begin dating:
Always have a secondary way of getting home. Let Amy know you’re available to pick her up anytime and anywhere, no questions asked. Have Amy tell her friends what is going on so they can watch out for her.
Convince Amy to avoid being alone in isolated areas with Josh.
If things get out of hand always consider: changing locks, phone numbers, calling the police, get a restraining order, and look into reading the book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. This is a great book for learning how to trust your gut (instincts).
Have Amy and Josh go out as part of a group or as a double date.Teach boundaries to your child. This is a life skill to have. Have Amy learn how to pay attention to your date’s body language. Prevention of teen violence requires observant teachers, parents, quick-to-respond law enforcement officers, and guidance and assistance from social service agencies. Also, friends and peers are important to prevention, because their stance against abuse will help victims seek assistance.
If your daughter is going to a party Friday night, share this information with her. Then put her in a made up situation (role play) and ask her how she would handle it. For example, if your boy friend was really angry and looking like he was going to explode, how would you handle it?
• Teens, particularly males, who have witnessed domestic violence in their own homes are more likely to be abusive to their future partners.
• Teenage boys may learn that men are supposed to be in control and that violence is an effective way to gain control.
• Teenage girls may normalize the violence they see at home, which may result in them accepting abusive behaviors.
Avoiding the topic or ignoring it is not two solutions we recommend when it comes to handling dating violence.
Derek is a parent coach and has customized programs
for corporations, schools, and parent groups for putting the fun back into
parenting and protecting your child/student from bullying. He can be reached at Parent Smart from the Heart, 1-866-89-SMART or 847-853-4308, or info@randelconsulting.com
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